“You look Anorexic”

That’s what my mom said when I went home yesterday. “You look like one of those girls I see on Dr. Phil who have anorexia” was her exact statement.

To be honest, I felt complimented by it (I know that’s terrible) and I also had an overwhelming belief that my mom was exaggerating and lying to me and I wanted to say something but I didn’t. And yet, I wasn’t upset at all by the comment my mom made. It was the comment my sister made that made me feel bad.

My sister said, “you don’t look like a runner, you look scrawny.”

You don’t look like a runner.

Those words resonated with me all night and all day today. I keep thinking about them over and over and over again. I am a runner, that’s who I am. But am I really so far gone that I can’t see what this has done to me? Am I really that bad?

I keep telling myself of course not, I mean I am not even skinny! But my family has actively said the words anorexic when describing my appearance a lot since my “goal” weight was met (I use quotes because it was only my goal weight until I reached it and now it is replaced by a new, lower goal). I genuinely don’t see it though and I know that sounds crazy but when I look in the mirror I see the same body as before this whole thing started, and even before I lost weight initially when I was sick. I just don’t see it. But it doesn’t matter because until I can speak up and open that can of worms, I can’t get help.

It does make me wonder though about if I am just getting too sick, if I am getting lazier with hiding it or if I am just that skinny that it is worrisome. My mom seems to think so. I know her saying that was her way of asking the million dollar question. I think it’s because she, like a lot of folks, doesn’t want to believe that she knows someone with an eating disorder and, honestly, I think she probably doesn’t know how to help- which is ironic because I am in the same boat. Anyway, I’m not sure what will happen. I doubt anyone is going to broach the subject enough to get me to open up until I am ready but in a weird way, I am relieved that they see something I don’t it kind of makes me think the doctor might take me seriously and maybe that they’ll understand when I finally do reveal the truth about what’s going on. I don’t know. All I know is I shouldn’t like being called Anorexic or compared to an anorexic and yet it was the running statement that screwed with me more. I wish I had my own mind back.