Down and Out… Passing Out.

Passing Out- 1 : Me- 0

Last week I mentioned in a post about how I am doing shadowing for school in a local hospital. Well, today I went back for a half day and I was super excited about it because I am really interested in the field and finally being in that setting and learning in the field is amazing. So today I went, as usual, without eating anything and we got to the first patient after I had been there about an hour and all of a sudden my heart started racing. It wasn’t nerves but it was just racing, then I got more nauseated than normal, then my hearing went out and I don’t remember anything else until I heard one of the ladies I was shadowing say “are you okay” and grabbing me and I’ll I could do was say “pass out” and collapse. Luckily, patient rooms have chairs and they were able to get me into it before I totally dropped.

Coming up with an answer to the “did you eat today” question  came with too much ease and felt way to normal. Me? Eat? at 9:30 in the morning. Heck no. I eat at 1:30 and 7:30. All of these went through my mind but “yeah I think I just worked out too hard and didn’t get enough to eat after” were the real words that left my mouth. Then I had to eat. Again, thankfully I was in the hospital where food is plentiful even if none of it is safe. I had apple juice and graham crackers (as safe as unsafe gets) and prayed I wouldn’t pass out again although I felt woozy the rest of the morning.

The lady who I shadowed was so kind and I think she thought it was because of the patient and seeing them sick so I let her believe that because, well, it was a safer cover than anything I could come up with. And they were super nice about it and told me stories of when they passed out and have seen others passing out so it was really not nearly as traumatizing as it could have been and they said as long as I felt up to it I could keep shadowing the rest of the morning (I only scheduled a half day today) so I stayed.

But here’s the thing: I passed out. I passed the heck out. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. And worse, that is not something I can prevent from happening if I keep this up which means my dreams are going to be shattered. I can’t go into the field I want if I am not able to help care for people because I am malnourished, starving my body, deteriorating away and too weak to function. When I was in the process of passing out it was almost like dying. One thing at a time started shutting down sense by sense. First, my legs got tingly, then my hearing went out, then my balance, then my eyesight, and then my ability to communicate. It was like my body was dying even though I was still living. I guess that’s kind of what it really is, you pass out when your body sort of needs to “reset” because it cant’ handle what is going on. And, even though it is by no means the first time I have passed out, it was the first time it happened in front of others and there was something different about this time. It was like I knew I was going to pass out and I knew this was going to be a major shutdown not just one of those times I force myself to collapse out of caution because I feel like I am going to pass out. It was like seeing what was going to keep happening if I do this much longer.

I need help. Soon. Very soon. The instances of people almost finding out or my body experiencing the scariest side effects ever has been increasing exponentially the last few weeks. And now, I am beginning to to fear how capable I am at destroying my own body.

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