My Mom Knows….

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I don’t know how she found out but I know she knows.

Today she asked me if I was eating and “are you making yourself throw up after”. I replied yes and no to each question respectively- which technically is right because I haven’t purged since i went back to heavy restricting and I am technically eating but I know those are just justifications and in reality I lied. My mom of course, qualified her questions with the “I’ll love you even if you are [engaging in those actions]” but I told her not to worry and that I was fine.

In reality though… HOW THE HELL DID SHE FIND OUT!??!?!  Is it really my weight that finally cued her in? Did I slip up somewhere? Did she finally start talking to my roommate? What was it?!?! It certainly wasn’t “Mom Radar” because this has been going on for years but I can’t figure out where I went wrong all of a sudden and it’s driving me bonkers.

I should be happy she said those things. I mean I know she is worried and that’s why she’s asking and I know she is worried because she gave me the whole “if anything  happened to you it would kill me speech” and I know I sound so apathetic right now (even though i don’t mean for any of this to come off like that and it’s not how I mean it) but right now I can’t go to the doctor and ask for help. I just can’t  because I ate yesterday more than my allowed amount and as delusional as it is when i eat more than 200-300 calories a day I feel like a failed. Even if I eat 400 calories and purge enough to get me to where I “should” be I still feel like I don’t have eating issues. Yes, that is deranged but honestly, vomiting became so normal when I was sick that I genuinely can’t fathom that people don’t do that every day and there is a huge part of me that truly believes that everyone does.

But she definitely knows. I still don’t plan to tell her before I consult my doctor because I just think that is going to be the best path for me  but maybe it’ll be easier to tell her afterward. So I guess the only real question now is… when will I tell the doctor? How do I start that conversation? That’s the part that I just can’t figure out, how do I begin that conversation? I think if I can figure that out the courage might come with it.

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