Ever wonder what goes through someone’s mind when contemplating recovery? In addition to the “voice” in my head screaming at me that even thinking about recovery is bad, not okay and that I don’t have a problem and telling someone is not okay, here’s how that thought process plays out in my mind:
What will it be like?
What will they expect of me immediately? For instance, will i have to just start eating more than I do currently, will it be a gradual process, will I be expected to eat fear foods immediately, how will that happen?
Will they even believe I have a problem?
Do I have a problem?
What if I have damaged my body doing this?
What medical issues have I caused by this?
How do I find a therapist?
Will the doctor help with that?
Am I even sick enough for help?
Will they even believe me? (Yes, this thought goes through my mind frequently)
I’m not sick enough, I don’t even have a problem.
(Inner battle on if I am sick enough or even sick at all between the part of me that wants to recover vs the part that is controlling me).
What will happen when I tell the doctor? How will they respond?
They will make me eat. Oh God, I am going to have to eat.
What if they expect me to just change everything I do overnight?
I can’t do that. It took a long time to get like this, they can’t just expect me to change overnight.
I can’t do it if that’s what happens.
Maybe I don’t even have a problem.
What if I fail?