Tuesday. I WILL Seek Help on Tuesday.

Somebody please tell me this will be okay.

I’m going to throw up.

I’ve decided though that Tuesday will be the day. I am scared about how terrible I feel.My doctor mentioned at my last appointment that some of my numbers may suggest my medicine dosage is too high (for a totally separate non ED thing) so maybe it’s related to that but the nausea is really bad, I have full blow passed out 3 times in the last week and almost passed out more than that. Last night I collapsed- in front of my roommate. I can’t sleep and my chest feels weak.

As I type this I am freaking out, running through it in my head, trying to figure out how to say, what to say and how to not back out or get too intimidated. It’s not making the nausea any easier lol. The short list of the other side effects (trigger warning) is the muscle cramps (like charlie horses all throughout the day), bloody noses, black outs, arm and leg weakness, headaches, crying in the grocery store, intense fear of food, on and off depression, safe foods, purging,, restrictive eating, hair thinning, nails are paper thin, chest pain, chest “weakness”- not really sure how to explain that, sore throat,fear of food, always cold- even in the FL heat, night blindness, and that kidney-area pain amongst others.

Even as I write that all I can think is: not sick enough. I know that sounds nuts/idiotic and just plain stupid but again, this a mental & physical thing and the mental aspect is so controlling. So, I am just going to keep trying to ignore it. I also know that this weekend is Fourth of July and my family and some friends are coming over to my and my roommates place. There will be food. Ugh. And whenever I have to eat non-safe food I feel like it invalidates my problems even if I purge it all and still restrict the limits it just makes the feeling that I am not sick enough seem infinitely harder to shake off.

I need to call the doctor but hopefully I can get in on Tuesday when they have late hours. And hopefully, I can go through with this.

5 thoughts on “Tuesday. I WILL Seek Help on Tuesday.

    • Absolutely ok! Thanks so much for the support, I’m going to need it. I’m already having second thought about going through with it bc everytime I eat a little bit or try to I feel like they are going to think I don’t have a problem and I feel way to fat to even look like I have an eating disorder even though I’ve heard otherwise and I know that’s all a bunch of excuses from the part of my mind controlling me but it’s just so hard to convince myself otherwise. Your support means a ton though and really helps me keep fighting through those excuses 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  1. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step…I know this is going to be one of the hardest steps you ever take but it is so going to be worth it (and remember if you’re doctor isn’t helpful- as sometimes they are uneducated around EDs- you need to try again until you find the support you need). I kept my ED secret for so many years and it was incredibly freeing to admit it out loud- this is you taking back the power- well done!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so proud of the steps you took to seek help that’s what it takes! Recovering from this is not easy by any means! Trust me you read my story! That was the hardest thing to write because I had to relive all of it again but my goal in writing it is to help 1 person who is struggling so they can find the happiness that I now have after only 7 months of being bulimia free!!! Please feel free to email me anytime it’s important to have someone you trust and can talk to and who knows what your going through! My email is morgan_hayes_94@yahoo.com DONT GIVE UP YOUR SO CLOSE!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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