Excuses and Accountability

I didn’t make my appointment with my doctor for tomorrow, Tuesday. But I officially made my doctors appointment for next Thursday.  Tomorrow, I was supposed to get out of this mess but then my sister invited me to… Sea World!!!

Excuses. I know that’s what it comes down to but really I just want one last “normal” trip.

Now all you Sea World haters, please spare me. I love Sea World and (most) zoos; I have friends and family who work at them and without going into debate, there is a LOT of good that comes out of them. /end rant

So, I am going to Sea World. It’ll be both hard and easy bc I only bring safe foods and don’t eat nearly enough and my sister always pays attention but it’ll be fun and a day off from work and, more importantly, a day to clear my mind for my appointment next Thursday.

I actually threw up when I made the appointment-that’s how scared I am. But no matter how many tears I cried and how much my head was screaming and torturing me I stayed on the phone and made the appointment. The worst part was when he asked “what’s it in regards to?” I tried to skirt by the question but then when he asked again I was a bit more choked up (I was quite actually crying) and just said some stuff was going on and I needed to talk to them about it and he scheduled it. He asked if I wanted an earlier spot (probs cuz I was crying) but I declined (maybe not my best decision but I made the appointment).

I also told the only person who I’ve breathed a word of this to. (Read my prior posts-there is 1 person who I have told bc she has been through this). After not being able to go through with help last time I reached out I told her about what I did today. She was awesome and totally understanding of how terrified I am but said it would get better- I am still praying she is right. Since we don’t even live in the same state and aren’t super close friends I think it helps to be able to confide in her. It gives me enough support without feeling pressured to succeed or live up to the eating issues. She hasn’t been overbearing or intrusive or judgmental and I will never be able to thank her enough and I hope she doesn’t hate me by the end of it. I think I told her both bc I was actually making myself sick over the appointment and wanted to make sure the decision was right and for accountability of actually keeping the appointment and finally going through with this.

So, even though I backed out of telling this secret tomorrow, I will be doing it next Thursday. Next Thursday. I have been getting used to the idea since I made the appointment and although it still makes me nauseous I am less freaked than I was a few hours ago (it helps that work is insane and I haven’t had time to think – or eat). I even made a list of symptoms and the rules I abide by and honestly, I filled an ENTIRE piece of paper and I don’t write big so that is a little… alarming. Even to me.

I’m still not sure how the appointment will go. Making the appointment was about as terrible as I imagined so we will see. I just can’t back down. I can’t. My body is actually shutting down and I have passed out so much this week I am surprised no one else (other than that time shadowing) has seen. This weekend over the holiday I was forced to eat bad food, purged the whole thing while my family (including little niece and nephew) were in the other room and collapsed in my bathroom. At fireworks (which got rained out 😢) my arms went numb holding my niece (she’s 5) and I had to quickly put her down to not drop her- that happened a few times. My mom told me again she is very worried and I am “so so skinny” and even though I don’t believe her, I need my life back. My marathons are in jeopardy and I need something to change. I need to remember this next week too when my brain is screaming at me to not go and to run far away from telling the truth. 

I am so frickin scared. I hope I am doing the right thing.