What if the Truth Kills Me?

They say the truth will set you free… so why do I feel like the truth is just going to kill me?

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is my last day as I currently know it.

I know I should be happy about this but I am not because truthfully, even though I am not actually going to commit suicide (I’m not back to that depressed) I feel as though when I let go of this secret on Thursday I will, in essence, be killing a part of me. Like I am voluntarily putting myself in the line of fire and killing myself.

I know I have sat here and tried to explain it, like there is two of me (at least) inside my head. The “voice” that tells me to get help vs. the one that is screaming obscenities when the thought crosses my mind and promises to keep me protected. I am also aware of how psychotic that sounds- to have “voices” in your head. I can only explain it as sort of two subconscious, kind of like the devil and angel cartoons sitting on your shoulder except I never really know which one is the devil.

And tomorrow, Wednesday, will be the last full day I let myself be like that. I should be elated, hopeful, excited. But I am not. In fact, I might be experiencing every emotion ever, except the ones dealing with happiness, positivity and relief because NONE of those are how I feel. Not even in the slightest. Instead, I honestly feel like I am a murderer. Like I am crucifying myself, harming myself and making a mistake. In my heart I know and feel I cannot continue like this any longer- I can actually feel it, my chest hurts every.single.day. But, I feel like I am in mourning and like I am the one who is dying all at the same time. If it was possible to mourn your own death, I am fairly certain this would equate to the same emotion.

Simultaneously I feel an insane amount of fear and anxiety over not only telling someone about my secret life but also over: the scale. I fear it will go up and then I’ll just look like an idiot. I fear what it will say because one time I got on and it went up and I actually almost went through with trying to commit suicide until I looked around and realized someone would have to (1) find me and (2) tell my little niece and nephew and that scared me out of it and scared me to the point of never EVER wanting to get on that thing again. I fear the response of the doctor. I fear they won’t believe me. I fear they will believe me too (go figure). I fear the looks I’ll get as I walk out. I fear they won’t let me ever go home afterward (I know this is totally irrational but still, I worry I will wind up in a hospital and be forced to stay until I eat and I am petrified of the thought of eating unsafe hospital food). I am petrified they will make me eat at the office. I am scared they will run tests and think nothing is wrong. I am scared I will have to continue to live like this. I am scared I will have to give this up. I am just plain scared.

And you want to know what I am most scared of: What if, when I do this,  what if I lose this “evil” part of me….and what if it’s replaced by something worse?

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8 thoughts on “What if the Truth Kills Me?

    • I’m trying so hard. My biggest fear is that I will wake up on Thursday go through my day and just purposely miss my appointment. They called today to confirm and it took me seriously long to say “yes” but I did and I am just trying to keep telling myself that over and over so that It can’t start telling me otherwise.

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  1. I know this is definitely going to be one of the hardest things you have ever had to do, but please trust me when I say that you are doing the best thing for yourself. Yes, we miss our ED during recovery, but as we get better and better, we realize how awful our EDs made us feel and the terrible things they made us do. I am so proud of you for taking this step, because it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Stay strong!

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    • You are so right. I have never been so scared me in my whole life. I know this is totally going to suck but I am just hanging on to that little thread of hope that maybe something will get better. It’s so hard to believe right now but your support means so much and honestly I am about 10982479% sure that come Thursday in that waiting room, comments from everyone encouraging me to go are going to be the only thing giving me the courage to stay, so thanks because it really does help to know someone has been there, survived and that there really is life beyond living in fear of food. 🙂

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  2. On Thursday morning you need to wake up and read through the encouragement. Remind yourself why you made the appointment in the first place. I actually have a list of reasons to recover on my wall which I read every morning, little things like that really motivate me. Good luck, let us all know how you go.

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    • I love this idea, I’ll definitely need it especially in the morning. I’ve planned my work schedule before to be super busy so I don’t have time to cancel or worry too much (hopefully). It helped today but now that I’m off work I’m just freaking out again and it’s lightning so I can’t run 😔 which is normally how I calm myself down but I am just have to make it through 22 more hours and then I’ll be there. I’m still not convinced I am doing the right thing or that I’ll actually be able to speak up but I just hope my dr will be patient and that they’ll know what to do! I really appreciate the support I am petrified but the outpouring of encouragement makes me feel so much better that I am not alone and people will help

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  3. It’s okay to be scared, but this is such an important step. I had some awful ‘help seeking’ experiences before I found my current help (not that this will happen to you just to clarify!) but I don’t regret any of them, not a single moment, because even when life is hard now it is nowhere near as dark and scary as it was when I was alone with all of it. Seeking help lets the light crack in.
    Reading through all this encouragement before the appointment is a great idea. Maybe write out a list of reasons why this is a positive thing to do to re-read on the way there. You could even just write ‘I have an eating disorder and I need you to help me’ on a piece of paper to hold in your hand when you’re in there.
    I’ll be thinking of you. Be proud of yourself and your strength.

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    • Thank you!!! I took your advice and wrote some stuff down. I tried to keep busy today after work but my brain is screaming at me now but I wrote down all the side effects I think I am having bc of this and some of my feelings about food so I guess if I can’t say what I need to I can just give them the paper or something. I am trying to stay strong but my head is screaming right now. Thanks for the thoughts hopefully tomorrow night I’ll feel better but your support means so much and gives me so much strength!

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