What Was I Thinking!?!?!

I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t tell the doctor. I can’t go that appointment. I can’t do it.

This is stupid. Why should I trust them now?!?!? Why? All the doctors ever did was tell me to “figure it out” and use “trial and error” and that led here so clearly it’s okay to be doing this.

My family is delusional, I don’t like gaunt and “anorexic” I looked in the mirror, I look overweight. Grossly overweight.

I should cancel. The doctor won’t do anything anyway. I should cancel, I’ll look so stupid (on top of fat) if I go to them about my “eating issues”. Who goes for that?!? Lots of people diet and don’t eat certain foods.

This has to be normal. It just HAS to be.

I wish there was someone who could help..

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5 thoughts on “What Was I Thinking!?!?!

  1. You neeeeeed help. There is nothing normal about eating disorders. They only get worse. Nobody else can make you get help. You have to do it. It’s worth it , you are worth it. *hugs*

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    • You’re right. I know you are, it’s just so so so hard. I”m so scared and I feel like I am making the worst decision possible. I feel like an idiot for even considering going and I know how delusional that is but what if it doesn’t go well, what if I can’t really recover maybe I’m not good enough for that. I know it sounds nuts and a huge part of me wants to go but I’ve been doing this for a number of years and I am so scared of what will happen.I’m so scared everyone will hate me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Anybody who really cares about you will support you. It will be uncomfortable at first. People will be confused and unsure. This may seem like they don’t agree or don’t care. Give yourself time and put your health and your recovery first. They will come around when they are ready. You are making the biggest scariest decision you can, but it is the right one. It won’t go well. It will go up and down and sometimes it will be better and sometimes you will hate recovery with a passion. But each time you “relapse” ( and it will happen) you will get stronger. You will pick yourself up more quickly, it will be less damaging, it will be less emotionally devastating, and there will be more and more time between “relapses” ….. An eating disorder doesn’t make you defective, but it’s kind of like being an alcoholic. It’s a chronic condition. It’s always there. But it can be managed.

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      • You’re right. You’re 100% right. I’m just having a lot of self-hate right now because the appointment is coming so quickly and I’m so scared. But I would rather people judge me and say “she tried” rather than realizing after I have died what was going on. And honestly, I am on the fast track to there at this rate so you’re right. It’ll suck. I’ll probably make 0 sense when I begin that conversation and I’ll hate recovery but one day I’ll come around.
        Thanks so much for caring. It means a lot. Bear with me until Thursday and hopefully I’ll be much better after I release all this bottled up crap. *hugs*

        Liked by 1 person

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