In the parking lot

Too scared to go in.
Driving here I got brave and felt good but then I froze as soon as I pulled in. It’s so real and my heart is pounding and I’m shaking.

I changed into more comfy clothes than my work clothes and bc these weigh less (yeah I am that scared of the scale).but at least I’m comfy. 

I have to go in but this is so hard. So terrifying. It’s like when I went skydiving the first time and those moments between the door opening and the sound and feeling and terror that comes over you before you make it out of the plane is paralyzing but after you jump you have this sense of calm and peace. I hope this is like that. I hope so much that this ends like that (and that I’ve packed my parachute right)…

2 hours…

2 hours. 120 minutes. Then life as I know it is over.

I haven’t eaten at all and I’ve thrown up 4 times because I am so sick over the prospect of what I am about to do. 

I know why I am doing this but I still keep wondering why I am doing this.

I wish I knew what to say, how to say it, what will happen but I don’t. I have a plan but I am shaking so hard thinking about this and idk how well I’ll follow it. 

It’s odd because I am watching everyone go about their lives. This horrifyingly annoying girl behind me is using a whiny voice to complain to her friend about her manicure and not knowing what color to get. I’m sitting here trying to convince myself to live and fight for my life back.

I shouldn’t be mad at her, I complain about manicures and what color to pick too-I’m so indecisive- but still everything just feels so absurd to me today. 

Getting less than an hour of sleep probably didn’t help but I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep and all I want is to go to bed, sleep through this appointment and magically be better. Since that’s not possible I just need to suck it up but that’s really hard right now especially when the idea of telling the doctor doesn’t just seem impossible it seems unfathomable and unsafe and literally sickens me.  

But I have to do this. In two hours I have to do this. Hopefully I can do this.