Defeat

Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders and Disordered Eating

I can’t run like I used to. I’m not strong enough. My head starts pounding my body shaking like when you have the flu and your whole self feels like jello. My legs begin to buckle after just a few miles. I know it’s because I eat less than 200-300 calories right now. I can’t even talk myself into 500 like I used to on distance days. I know it’s because there is 0 carbs in those calories but I can’t I physically can’t grab the food I need. I know this happens when you drop almost 30 pounds in less than 2 months but still.
I just want to run my list of reasons to get help were:

1. So I can run better again 

2. To not die.

In that order. Running is so much to me and helps me so much in other ways and I am losing it. The marathons are approaching and I am losing grasp of them day by day. 

I wish someone understood someone could make me do this, force feed me, anything. I wish I could call my mom but idk, I’ve been so burdensome lately since she found ou that I don’t want to stress her out more (& I’m scared to be lectured). I just don’t know what to do so I am sitting on a bench on the side of the trail, crying. And watching other runners, too weak to get up and run home, too dizzy to get up and walk. 

I hate myself for this. 

 Ps. Please ignore how fat I look here, I had my hydration belt on and all my trail gear with me. 

3 thoughts on “Defeat

  1. I feel your hurt. I’m so sorry your ED is getting in the way of your love of running. ED took dance away from me. I remember when I had dropped 30 lbs in two months also, and I wasn’t strong physically. My jumps were pathetic, and I didn’t even sweat anymore due to bad circulation. The good news is, our bodies can bounce back!! I know that doesn’t make eating any easier, but your ED won’t be forever if you keep fighting! Let me know if I can support you in any way.

    Emily

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh i have been there. One of my lowest points of last year was hours spent sitting by the side of a lake in the rain beating myself for not being able to finish my run and blaming myself on me being fat and lazy rather than the physiological reason that I had was trying to run on empty. Our bodies (and minds) need fuel. There is no way around this I’m afraid. Also the more you eat the easier the less crazy your head will be about it- your brain is probably starving at the moment which is why it seems impossible to take in more calories, but the more calories your brain gets the better able it is to make decisions. Calling your Mum seems like a good idea, tell her you can’t handle a lecture but you do need to be fed. Something with lots of fats is probably needed- our brains need fats! High calorie low volume foods might help at the moment?

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s exactly how I felt with my run. I know I can’t run on this few calories but I just hate that can’t run. I wish I could get over my fear and just eat to run like I could before. Even though I was still severely restricting at least my body wasn’t as bad as it it now

      Like

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