Why Do They HAVE to Trigger Me?!?!?!?!??

So I went home for the FIRST time since telling my doctor, who then told my mom. It’s taken me 2 days to work up this courage because my mom’s house is SO triggering ( I haven’t confessed that to them yet) because it always has food in it and someone is always eating. But I came home, spent the day with my mom and got a nice mani/ pedi-which was very needed after I picked all the gel polish off most of my hands leading up to and during my appt with the doctor Thursday. Then we came home and I went to my sister’s room to nap and then I woke up to my other sister making dinner. What is she making you might wonder… MY FAVORITE PRE-ED FOOD!! šŸ˜±šŸ˜°šŸ˜±šŸ˜ØšŸ˜±šŸ˜°

WTF?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!? 

I just honestly want to run out of here but I am frozen with fear. I don’t want to go near the food! Smelling it is soooo hard bc I just want some and ED is literally going berserk in my head screaming at me that they are trying to trick me, prove I don’t really have an ED, trying to make me fat, trying to throw it in my face that I can’t get myself to do this.

I just don’t understand why of all the meals on all the days they just HAD to have this one. It doesn’t seem coincidental, maybe I am really just over reading the situation but I just feel really offended and like all the support they showed earlier was just a lie and I honestly never want to come home again right now. I feel so alone. 

I bought extra food earlier when I had lunch so I could have my safe food for dinner (my mom even took me to two different stores bc neither sells both of the things I eat, and went the opposite direction) and now I don’t even want to eat. I hate this. I feel so made fun of and like they are being so inconsiderate. I just really don’t understand and my ED brain was loud all day bc I was hungry after my “run” (6 miles was all I managed) and even though I couldn’t bring myself to overcome it I was trying and now I feel like it is so much louder and evil and like I am trying all for nothing because then my sister turns around and does this.

I can reason that they might of thought it would let me feel easier to eat bc it is something I once liked but ITS ALL TOTALLY UNSAFE AND SO FAR FROM SAFE THAT I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN I MAY NEVER RECOVER ENOUGH TO EAT IT. That’s how bad it is. And to top it off it is something that once set off my stomach issues so it’s not only typical ED scary it’s also health issue scary to me. And I know part of me is just mad at myself bc I can’t overcome my ED to even have a spoonful of it but it just frustrates me THAT much more bc it is something I used to like.

I seriously just don’t understand. I am silently sobbing in my sisters room after telling them I was still sleepy but really I just have no clue what to do right now.

I wish I hadn’t told anyone. At least then I could’ve had a spoonful and then thrown it back up/spit it out but I know now they’d be watching and my ED would just have a fit so bad it may kill me. 

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2 thoughts on “Why Do They HAVE to Trigger Me?!?!?!?!??

  1. Oh man, what a rough night!! I hate it when ED’s voice is so loud that he’s screaming. And that you felt isolated from your family as they enjoyed a food that you aren’t able to enjoy right now….I can totally see how that would feel like a hurtful thing for them to do even if they didn’t intentionally mean it in that way. I fully believe that you will be able to someday enjoy that food again, free of guilt or shame, just eating it because it sounds good to you one day. It will happen! I’m going to have cake on my birthday this month for the first time in 15 years, which is something I thought I’d never be able to do again! Don’t be mad at yourself for having a hard time with that food right now. It’s not your fault! One day at a time, and someday soon will be easier than today. Much love!

    Liked by 2 people

    • thanks! Today I was still feeling really lonely so I went back home. I napped for 3 hours while I was there again but with my roommate out of town and thinking about my evals this week I am just feeling really alone so it was nice to lay and watch TV with my mom. They got dinner again but I didn’t break down this time. Even though I didn’t eat (although I REALLY wanted to), iwas proud that I didn’t break down being in the same room as non-safe eating.
      I am SO PROUD of you for eating some cake for your birthday! That’s a super accomplishment. I know you can do it and I hope you enjoy it! šŸ™‚ Happy Early Birthday!! I hope it’s the best birthday you have had in a long time! šŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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