I Can’t Do This

I can’t. The treatment center called. I asked the question I shouldn’t have asked “what’s it like?” And holy heck I am crying under a desk right now. I can’t. I don’t want to go. I can’t do it. I’m so sick thinking about just going near there and I can’t function. Top it off with I have to get re-medically cleared which just means more scales more doctors more telling people, more trusting people and I just can’t. It’s too much. I am too overwhelmed.

My mom says “I know it’s scary” and all I want is to scream NO YOU EFFING DON’T KNOW. It’s not scary it’s so damn terrifying that the prospect of slowly killing myself my starving to death seems like the obvious and clear right choice. You don’t know how that feels or to feel so out of control that the fear has you curled up under a desk, crying. 
I can’t do this. Telling was the wrong decision. It was bad and now this is my punishment. I can’t go. I HAVE to find a way out. OMGosh what have I gotten myself into.

Dear Running

I miss you.

I miss lacing up my sneakers,

I miss the ache in my legs,

I miss the heaviness in my step at the start, the effortless sensation once I warm up,

I miss the elusive search for runner’s high,

I miss the trails,

I miss the pavement,

I miss fartleks,

I miss watching non-runners react to the word fartlek,

I miss the hills,

I miss the feel of sweaty, hard worked, drenched drifit tanks,

I miss the bad runs,

I miss the really really good runs,

I miss getting my headphones tangled,

I miss getting mad at my music selection,

I miss inspiring others,

I miss waking up long before dawn to start running,

I miss finishing after the sun comes up,

I miss making people’s jaws drop when I tell them how far I run,

I miss compression sleeves after long runs,

I miss getting faster,

I miss cross-training,

I miss waving to other runners,

I miss my old running routes,

I miss the blisters,

I miss racing,

I miss PRs,

I miss the alone time,

But most of all,

I miss being a Runner.

Insurance Sucks…Sometimes

AND THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES!!!! (*knock on wood*)

I just found out my insurance will cover my Partial Hospitalization Treatment in full. That’s right IN FRICKIN FULL. 100%.

I am crying. 

Thank you God. I have hope again. 

At A Loss

I just don’t have words anymore.

I feel empty. Pure emptiness.

I don’t want to be with people; I don’t want to be alone.

I’m not happy; I’m not sad.

I don’t want to be awake; I don’t want to lay in bed.

I’m not lonely; I’m not overwhelmed.

I want to cry; I don’t want to cry.

I want to confide in someone; I don’t want to confide in someone.

I want to live; I don’t want to live.

I don’t feel anything.

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I just don’t know what to do. I have to go see my doctor on Tuesday but I feel like I shouldn’t say anything because I don’t want to be a burden and I already have enough issues for them to worry about. I don’t even know what’s causing it, I mean life has just become so unraveled since I spoke up about my eating disorder. I have had to officially give up my marathons and completely stop running, drop my fall semester classes because PHP will prevent me from going to classes and the doctors said to medically withdraw from the term, I have had to tell people, i had to stop going to the gym. dealt with the stress of getting into a treatment program, go to the doctor weekly, start new medications and deal with the stupid side effects.

It’s a lot.

Maybe I am just over stressed. Maybe it’s the new medicine that is making me feel like this. Maybe it’s just in my head. Maybe it’s anything. Maybe it’s nothing.

I’ve just never felt like this before. Ever. Not even when I was alone in my struggle with this eating disorder but now I can’t get rid of the emptiness and I don’t know what to do to make it stop.

The one thing I do know: I am losing myself. I am barely inside anymore. I am just a shell of who I used to be but the fire inside me, my soul, my self is smaller and farther away than ever; and I’m not sure I can get it back.

Body shamed.

To the lady who just called me “scarily skinny” and told her daughter I “need to eat a cheeseburger”:
EFF YOU. 
If you think I am not aware I am sick, I am. I may not be able to see what I really look like in the mirror but I am trying.

If you think I should just “eat a cheeseburger” as you put it, I wish I could but I cry sometimes just being in the parking lot of the grocery store.

If you think your comment was funny or “constructive criticism”, it wasn’t. In fact it just made my eating disorder thoughts stronger by pointing out that people do judge others based on appearance and reinforcing my Eating Disorder’s belief that I need to be skinnier.

If you think you can use the excuse “I didn’t know you had an eating disorder” to pardon your behavior, you can’t. It doesn’t matter if you knew or didn’t it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. If you were truly worried about me you could’ve more discreetly and kindly “crossed the line” to express that. 

If you think your mental satisfaction was worth more than my mental health by commenting on my body, I sure hope it was because I have been crying since. 

If you think you didn’t do anything wrong or haven’t even considered what your little comment may have felt like on the receiving end, I hope you read this and stop yourself next time because regardless of if someone is “scary skinny”, “normal”, or “morbidly obese” it is still NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and you never know what that person may be battling.

Admissions and Deferrals

10b40aca81f526f1a0945e315101192aThe call came on Friday afternoon, there treatment facility is recommending their highest level of care: Partial Hospitalization. I am both thankful and horrified. I know I need to get better but since when did I get sick enough to barely get medically cleared enough for the most intensive outpatient program available to ED patients?

The obstacles now: figuring out my work situation (I work full time) and get everything sorted out with FMLA and time off and money and insurance and admission dates, oh and the most challenging obstacle: figuring out some kind of plausible lie so that my whole (very gossipy) office doesn’t get into my business. That last one is by far the most challenging. But, I have to do what is best for me no matter what.

My ED has been just positively TERRIBLE the last few days since I heard from the treatment center and it doesn’t help that my body is almost screaming for food (it’s in one of its cycles where after I have been restricting for so long that my body starts to tear me down mentally to try and get food) but I can’t give in because my ED is just so much stronger than normal. I think it has something to do with knowing it is about to have to eat that makes my ED stronger, just trying to prove that I need to retreat from this “recovery” and run to save myself and it is taking every ounce of my being to keep going and keep seeking out treatment as the admission process progresses.

With this also came the very real realization: I am going to have to forfeit my marathons- Chicago and Marine Corps. I am so depressed I don’t even want to get out of bed when I think about it, I just want to sleep forever. I know for non-runners it’s impossible to understand why someone would want to run or run 26.2 miles for fun but for me it’s a huge part of my life and I feel broken and dead knowing I will have to defer those in the next few days. That’s all I want to say about that right now; maybe later I’ll post more about the process, training, what I look forward to about next year but right now I just don’t feel anything other than grief and numbness.

Maybe I should talk to my doctor, maybe the lows have something to do with the meds I am on but this blow of losing my marathons just feels like the last bit of me has been killed by the ED and honestly, I am starting to feel too tired to fight it anymore even though I am closer than ever to treatment.

So that’s where I am at. I’ve been quiet on here lately just because everything has kind of been in a standstill until I found out from the center and because I just haven’t wanted to deal with people in person or online as I processed this marathon thing, still just feeling numb and isolated but I’m trying to make the effort. My doctor is checking in weekly so I think she is set to call tomorrow or Tuesday but since i need some paperwork for her to fill out for treatment and my marathons I have to call tomorrow either way. I am going to go to HR first thing too about my benefits and time off for treatment and then call the Center. I guess I also have to deal with Chicago and Marine Corps Marathon organizers, idk.

Dear Ed, You. Were. Wrong. (Telling dr #2)

Yesterday I was worried, immensely worried, about telling my podiatrist about my eating disorder (I feel so old having a podiatrist hahah). I am still really, REALLY uncomfortable saying it out loud to people who don’t already know- probably has something to do with the perfectionist part of me which also helped ingrain this beast in the fibers of my being. But, I had to tell him because my feet are almost always numb, my injuries have been less than healing and I get oddly injured a lot. (Part of getting injured a lot is just the real me, I don’t really always stop and think when I am deep into my bazillion of activities but not all the injuries are accountable from that).

Fact: I told him.
Fact: I was nervous as all hell
Fact: The nurse said my drop in weight was “definitely drastic and noticeable”
         (all I thought was “well, to one of us it is”)
Fact: Dr. C (we will call him) was really concerned when I told him I had to stop running because of “other things”
Fact: Dr. C was even more concerned when I was quiet and nervous (two things I am never when I am there)

Fact: When I told Dr. C, he looked at me and said “you know, that’s actually a LOT more common than you think” and told me if he knows anyone who can beat this and get better it’s me.

Hey, ED: YOU WERE WRONG. He didn’t judge me, he didn’t even flinch, he cared, he showed compassion, he didn’t think I was crazy, he didn’t treat me differently, he didn’t do anything other than be immensely supportive. He told me to call if I needed anything even if it wasn’t related to my feet, he told me that if the treatment center needed anything to just call and he will get it done, he told me I CAN SURVIVE THIS. He joked with me, he made me feel comfortable and you know what, ED, YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT IT ALL.ALL of it, ED, because you know what? HE PROMISED HE WOULD STILL FIX MY FEET SO I CAN RUN.

Although he said I need to continue to take the time off that I’ve been doing, especially when he realized how sick I am and when I told him the complications I am having. But he promised he would still get me back to my marathons. And I trust him. I trust him more than any other doctor (although my Nurse Practitioner is an angel and I trust her too now, Dr. C was the only doctor I trusted for a very very very long time).

Deep down I knew he would be supportive, I mean only a Grinch would be rude to your face. Plus, seriously, Dr. C has known me before I was skinny, before I started running, before a lot of things. He has never once made me feel crazy (and seriously, I have had crazy injuries), stupid, ridiculous, or anything negative. He fixes the issues, he jokes with me, he thinks my running is amazing and he said “You run more than any person I have ever met”– BEST. RUNNER. COMPLIMENT!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

So moral of the story: My ED is NOT always right, and I’m starting to think maybe it’s wrong more than right (?) Dr. C and my Nurse Practitioner are medical professionals and neither have taken my fears and dismissed me or them, they’ve done the opposite and have both showed genuine human concern, not just the your-my-patient-I-have-to-“care” disposition. And telling Dr. C was a HUGE relief, I trust him enough to know that no matter what I can count on him to support me, get me back running and to not treat me differently (my biggest fear). Also, My mom and sister were right (PS. Totally making a post later about my AMAZING little sister, we are best friends and she was texting me when I was nervous yesterday and made me feel infinitely better).

Still, you never know how people will respond but what I am starting to learn is the people you have in your life that are worth telling also think you are worth enough to be alive, happy and healthy and when they realize you need help and support it is instinctive for them to stand beside you and help you get there.

So, Dr. C. if you ever read this: Thank you. You put the awesome in awesomesauce and are perhaps the best doctor I have come to know. Best runner compliment ever: made. my. day. but your reaction to my eating disorder was exactly what I needed and for that there are no words that can express my gratitude. PS. When I make my running comeback: get ready because I am aiming for… an ULTRA and a Triathlon!!!!

And mom and little sis: *mumbles* Youwereright. SSsshhhhhhhh. 🙂 ❤

Advice Needed: I have to tell again…

So my doctor told me I HAVE to tell another doctor I see frequently about my ED diagnosis. I am freaking out. I mean, I knew I needed to bc I think it’s affecting things my foot doctor is treating me for but still, I DON’T WANT TO. And I just have no clue what to do or how to be okay with it.

It’s not that I don’t trust him-actually I probably trust him more than any other medical professional but I honestly just want to be “normal” somewhere and his office has always been the people I can count on to keep me running and I trust him to do what’s best for my feet in relation to my sometimes insane running goals. If I tell him, that goes away. I become the patient with the eating disorder. I am already that girl everywhere else and honestly his office was the only place I could block ED thoughts out and focus on things the real me loves – like running and being outgoing and normal. That all has to change now. 

Plus, I honestly am NOT comfortable with the “I have an eating disorder” conversation. Having it once was enough and then I had to do it again with my best friend (which wasn’t bad and I don’t regret at all but was still stressful) and sorta a third time with the treatment admissions guy. So yeah , I’m kinda burnt out, stressed, uncomfortable and scared. 

I don’t want this I define me, I don’t want them to see me different, I don’t want he pity, I don’t want to be different, I don’t want this damn eating disorder. 

(Temper tantrum over)

I know I need to I just don’t know how to do it. How to be vulnerable again, how to be open again, how to trust again. I know I trust him the most but at the same time being super honest about my biggest secrets is something I quite frankly suck at. I don’t like it, I avoid it and so with something like my mental illness I am infinitely worse about trusting people. With that said, my ED is having medical impacts (heart, nerves, circulation, bones, etc) and my doctor wants me to tell my foot dr because these are things he needs to know about and affect his treatment and things he may be able to help fix once we control my Ed a bit more to where I am stable. I get it. He needs to know but I need to not be the girl with the ED. 

And those two things just aren’t compatible right now. 

My mom says it al nonchalant “just tell him that after your GI issues went unresolved that you became progressively more fearful and are now being treated for an eating disorder.” Logically, she’s right. It’s that simple. BUT IT’S NOT THAY SIMPLE. And in my moms defense she said she knows it’s not and she knows it’s hard for me but she said it’s not something I should stress over and I know she’s right, but I am. 

I guess I am mostly fearful that once he knows there won’t be anyone I can go to to just be “runner me”. Once he knows the people who I see the most for health will know, they will be able to control my running and if it’s not safe I am worried he won’t work on getting me back to running and that I’ll never get back to run again. This is me exaggerating the issue- I know- but still I guess it’s true, I’m scared to tell bc once he knows I am forever tagged as the ED girl and furthermore, I’m scared the one person I can count on to help me run despite everything my feet have put me through will abandon me and my dreams of running. 

And losing running permanently would kill me, I wouldn’t survive it. I love it. I find myself when I do it. I see the world. I conquer my goals. I’m me. The real me and for a short time, the ED has no power. And losing it forever feels like a possibility if I tell him bc then I can’t lie or do it against orders. 

And that scares me. 

So I sit here, freaking out. Terrified. Lost. Sick. How do I do it? How do I tell him and not freak out? Not lose running? How do I trust someone else with my secret, someone who has so much control over my ability to run?