Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders. I mention some safe/unsafe foods for me specifically, if you are easily triggered please use discretion.
Ugh. so on Friday night my mom sprung on me that my aunt and uncle are in town (the ones that actually know about the ED). They are about an hour and a half away staying with my uncle’s family but wanted to get together and see us. Now, normally this would be an inner struggle for me but since everyone knows I told my mom that meeting “for lunch or something” is making me wayyy nervous and stressed out- which she kinda figured. I do want to see my aunt and uncle though and luckily meeting at my house as opposed to my mom’s is more convenient for all so that’s what we are doing today.
But here’s all my issues with it:
- It’s going to be through the time I normally eat first (1:30) so I am not sure what to do.
- There will be people here when I normally eat.
- People will be eating very VERY unsafe food (I can’t blame them that I only have 1 safe food)
- I have to order said unsafe food (granted, I volunteered because I know where it is but still it makes me anxious).
- I am going to have to talk about my ED.
Here’s the good things:
- I get to see my aunt and uncle (MEGA YAY!)
- It’s at my house and not a restaurant which is less anxiety filled for me.
Here’s what I am conflicted about:
- I don’t want to make my normal food because it’ll be awkward to be eating something different
- I am panicking over eating around other people.
- I bought strawberries and grapes (2 unsafe foods that used to be safe(ish)) for my family to also snack on and if I try to eat those instead of my safe food I know they will be watching and judging and it is too much for me but that would be easier and more discreet than making my safe food.
- The food they are having is super delicious lol but so unsafe it makes me uncomfortable to even smell it.
So, yeah. There’s that to look forward to. I was so stressed last night I took a sleeping pill because I was making myself sick over this. I have no idea where this girl came from, I never used to be like this but it’s like so much worse these days and even going to the grocery store to pick up drinks and salad was difficult for me because I didn’t want to touch the foods and because there were so many people there watching.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Why can’t I just be normal?!?!?!