So my doctor told me I HAVE to tell another doctor I see frequently about my ED diagnosis. I am freaking out. I mean, I knew I needed to bc I think it’s affecting things my foot doctor is treating me for but still, I DON’T WANT TO. And I just have no clue what to do or how to be okay with it.
It’s not that I don’t trust him-actually I probably trust him more than any other medical professional but I honestly just want to be “normal” somewhere and his office has always been the people I can count on to keep me running and I trust him to do what’s best for my feet in relation to my sometimes insane running goals. If I tell him, that goes away. I become the patient with the eating disorder. I am already that girl everywhere else and honestly his office was the only place I could block ED thoughts out and focus on things the real me loves – like running and being outgoing and normal. That all has to change now.
Plus, I honestly am NOT comfortable with the “I have an eating disorder” conversation. Having it once was enough and then I had to do it again with my best friend (which wasn’t bad and I don’t regret at all but was still stressful) and sorta a third time with the treatment admissions guy. So yeah , I’m kinda burnt out, stressed, uncomfortable and scared.
I don’t want this I define me, I don’t want them to see me different, I don’t want he pity, I don’t want to be different, I don’t want this damn eating disorder.
(Temper tantrum over)
I know I need to I just don’t know how to do it. How to be vulnerable again, how to be open again, how to trust again. I know I trust him the most but at the same time being super honest about my biggest secrets is something I quite frankly suck at. I don’t like it, I avoid it and so with something like my mental illness I am infinitely worse about trusting people. With that said, my ED is having medical impacts (heart, nerves, circulation, bones, etc) and my doctor wants me to tell my foot dr because these are things he needs to know about and affect his treatment and things he may be able to help fix once we control my Ed a bit more to where I am stable. I get it. He needs to know but I need to not be the girl with the ED.
And those two things just aren’t compatible right now.
My mom says it al nonchalant “just tell him that after your GI issues went unresolved that you became progressively more fearful and are now being treated for an eating disorder.” Logically, she’s right. It’s that simple. BUT IT’S NOT THAY SIMPLE. And in my moms defense she said she knows it’s not and she knows it’s hard for me but she said it’s not something I should stress over and I know she’s right, but I am.
I guess I am mostly fearful that once he knows there won’t be anyone I can go to to just be “runner me”. Once he knows the people who I see the most for health will know, they will be able to control my running and if it’s not safe I am worried he won’t work on getting me back to running and that I’ll never get back to run again. This is me exaggerating the issue- I know- but still I guess it’s true, I’m scared to tell bc once he knows I am forever tagged as the ED girl and furthermore, I’m scared the one person I can count on to help me run despite everything my feet have put me through will abandon me and my dreams of running.
And losing running permanently would kill me, I wouldn’t survive it. I love it. I find myself when I do it. I see the world. I conquer my goals. I’m me. The real me and for a short time, the ED has no power. And losing it forever feels like a possibility if I tell him bc then I can’t lie or do it against orders.
And that scares me.
So I sit here, freaking out. Terrified. Lost. Sick. How do I do it? How do I tell him and not freak out? Not lose running? How do I trust someone else with my secret, someone who has so much control over my ability to run?