Admissions and Deferrals

10b40aca81f526f1a0945e315101192aThe call came on Friday afternoon, there treatment facility is recommending their highest level of care: Partial Hospitalization. I am both thankful and horrified. I know I need to get better but since when did I get sick enough to barely get medically cleared enough for the most intensive outpatient program available to ED patients?

The obstacles now: figuring out my work situation (I work full time) and get everything sorted out with FMLA and time off and money and insurance and admission dates, oh and the most challenging obstacle: figuring out some kind of plausible lie so that my whole (very gossipy) office doesn’t get into my business. That last one is by far the most challenging. But, I have to do what is best for me no matter what.

My ED has been just positively TERRIBLE the last few days since I heard from the treatment center and it doesn’t help that my body is almost screaming for food (it’s in one of its cycles where after I have been restricting for so long that my body starts to tear me down mentally to try and get food) but I can’t give in because my ED is just so much stronger than normal. I think it has something to do with knowing it is about to have to eat that makes my ED stronger, just trying to prove that I need to retreat from this “recovery” and run to save myself and it is taking every ounce of my being to keep going and keep seeking out treatment as the admission process progresses.

With this also came the very real realization: I am going to have to forfeit my marathons- Chicago and Marine Corps. I am so depressed I don’t even want to get out of bed when I think about it, I just want to sleep forever. I know for non-runners it’s impossible to understand why someone would want to run or run 26.2 miles for fun but for me it’s a huge part of my life and I feel broken and dead knowing I will have to defer those in the next few days. That’s all I want to say about that right now; maybe later I’ll post more about the process, training, what I look forward to about next year but right now I just don’t feel anything other than grief and numbness.

Maybe I should talk to my doctor, maybe the lows have something to do with the meds I am on but this blow of losing my marathons just feels like the last bit of me has been killed by the ED and honestly, I am starting to feel too tired to fight it anymore even though I am closer than ever to treatment.

So that’s where I am at. I’ve been quiet on here lately just because everything has kind of been in a standstill until I found out from the center and because I just haven’t wanted to deal with people in person or online as I processed this marathon thing, still just feeling numb and isolated but I’m trying to make the effort. My doctor is checking in weekly so I think she is set to call tomorrow or Tuesday but since i need some paperwork for her to fill out for treatment and my marathons I have to call tomorrow either way. I am going to go to HR first thing too about my benefits and time off for treatment and then call the Center. I guess I also have to deal with Chicago and Marine Corps Marathon organizers, idk.

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2 thoughts on “Admissions and Deferrals

  1. Marathons will always be there- your health won’t. I can completely understand how hard it is to not run but you need to use that as motivation to get better. I ran a marathon last year when I was really not well enough and it still haunts me a little. I started retching before half way and threw up blood- could’t keep water down and me legs went from underneath me. I sat on the kerb wondering how I had got myself into this state- why I had thrown away all the months of training to ‘lose just a little more’. I was on track for a PB but had been gradually decreasing my calories over the training period that asking my body to run a marathon on what I had fuelled it was just stupid and cruel to myself! I finished the race by run/ walking and was very sick for a while after it- it was not worth it. A week before that race I had found out I had been accepted into the NY marathon and I knew I didn’t want the same thing to happen again so I used that to motivate me- I ate for the energy, I ate to train, I ate so I could enjoy the trip and then slowly but surely I ate because wanted to and I realised that doesn’t make me a weak person for admitting that. I didn’t achieve my goal in NY time but I was running healthy, I pb’d and I was smiling at the end and I had a great trip- I would take that over the horror of the previous race any day. Sometimes the strongest thing to do is not run- even if that goes against what you’d usually think! Take care of yourself x

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  2. Pingback: I know this feeling…….. | holistichealthhealerleicester

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