I am scared when the treatment center starts forcing me to eat that my body (and brain) will remember food and that I won’t be able to stop eating.
I just don’t have words anymore.
I feel empty. Pure emptiness.
I don’t want to be with people; I don’t want to be alone.
I’m not happy; I’m not sad.
I don’t want to be awake; I don’t want to lay in bed.
I’m not lonely; I’m not overwhelmed.
I want to cry; I don’t want to cry.
I want to confide in someone; I don’t want to confide in someone.
I want to live; I don’t want to live.
I don’t feel anything.
I just don’t know what to do. I have to go see my doctor on Tuesday but I feel like I shouldn’t say anything because I don’t want to be a burden and I already have enough issues for them to worry about. I don’t even know what’s causing it, I mean life has just become so unraveled since I spoke up about my eating disorder. I have had to officially give up my marathons and completely stop running, drop my fall semester classes because PHP will prevent me from going to classes and the doctors said to medically withdraw from the term, I have had to tell people, i had to stop going to the gym. dealt with the stress of getting into a treatment program, go to the doctor weekly, start new medications and deal with the stupid side effects.
It’s a lot.
Maybe I am just over stressed. Maybe it’s the new medicine that is making me feel like this. Maybe it’s just in my head. Maybe it’s anything. Maybe it’s nothing.
I’ve just never felt like this before. Ever. Not even when I was alone in my struggle with this eating disorder but now I can’t get rid of the emptiness and I don’t know what to do to make it stop.
The one thing I do know: I am losing myself. I am barely inside anymore. I am just a shell of who I used to be but the fire inside me, my soul, my self is smaller and farther away than ever; and I’m not sure I can get it back.