I Can’t Do This

I can’t. The treatment center called. I asked the question I shouldn’t have asked “what’s it like?” And holy heck I am crying under a desk right now. I can’t. I don’t want to go. I can’t do it. I’m so sick thinking about just going near there and I can’t function. Top it off with I have to get re-medically cleared which just means more scales more doctors more telling people, more trusting people and I just can’t. It’s too much. I am too overwhelmed.

My mom says “I know it’s scary” and all I want is to scream NO YOU EFFING DON’T KNOW. It’s not scary it’s so damn terrifying that the prospect of slowly killing myself my starving to death seems like the obvious and clear right choice. You don’t know how that feels or to feel so out of control that the fear has you curled up under a desk, crying. 
I can’t do this. Telling was the wrong decision. It was bad and now this is my punishment. I can’t go. I HAVE to find a way out. OMGosh what have I gotten myself into.

3 thoughts on “I Can’t Do This

  1. I’ve no experience of full-time treatment so I can’t tell you what that’s like – but I do know that without some form of support it is very difficult (impossible?) to recover and an ED is not something that will ‘go away on its own’, you will not ‘grow out of it’, this is unlikely to be ‘a phase’ and I bet you know deep down that this is not the future you want for yourself. The only way out is through, and yes it’s going to be really really hard, but it is the bravest thing you will ever do. Hang in there.
    Could you recommend some resources for your Mum to help her understand? ‘Feast’ is a page for parents (http://www.feast-ed.org/) – probably most of it is for parents of younger children but I’m sure some of the support principles apply. Or else ‘brave girl eating’ is a book written from a parent’s perspective (again of a younger child though). Just a thought anyway.
    Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have recently been discharged from an inpatient clinic and I felt the same when I got that phone all, I was terrified, scared, angry all these emotions because it was unknown. I knew I needed help and I wanted to get better so I did it. It took a week to settle in and there were lots of rules but once I got into the routine it became manageable. Looking back I am
    So happy I did it, I’m getting my life back, I’ve recieved so much support and I’ve made some of my closest friends in there. You will learn so many valuable coping skills. It is so scary I know.
    If you want to message me I am more than happy to chat about it.

    M x


  3. It’s scary. I won’t lie about that but you’re doing it to save your life. I’ve been in treatment before. You just have to take it one day at a time. It will be hard and there will be times you are pushed to your limits but the experience is really amazing. I’ve made long lasting friendships in treatment. And those are the people I turn to during times of relapse. If you’re truly not ready to recover don’t let anyone force you into treatment because it won’t stick ❤


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