Confiscated

My doctor took ALL the pills I had stockpiled and didn’t use during my suicide attempt.

All of them.

And then he destroyed him.

I hate my whole team right now. 

I don’t want to recover I want my damn pills back so that I have an out in case I need it. I had hundreds of pills saved up sinc I was in late high school and college. From every surgery and injury bc, well, my pain threshold is high and I didn’t need them for that purpose. 

And now they’re gone. 

And I can’t have them back.

And I’m so pissed. 

I have no clue how I am going to go to work tomorrow. I feel like I need to go to therapy. Ironic since instead of going inside at this very moment I’m in my car typing this. 

But I can’t go in. I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT EVERYONE ELSES ISSUES. I have enough on my mind without all their Bologna. I don’t need to hear about their problem with their job or their family or their day. I want to not hear about how awful everyone’s lives are because right now ALL I WANT IS TO END MINE. And that will NOT be helpful. 

I texted my IOP therapist (one of them) that is running group and said I’m not coming. She promptly replied with “yes u r” to which I have yet to respond and clearly, yet to abide by. 

Part of me is wondering if they’ll even care if I don’t show up. I’m a lost cause. I’m a burden and a mess. I’m complicated and hard to handle with therapy because I don’t trust anyone fully with my feelings including my conscious self. 

Anyway. I’m tired. I hate me. I WANT MY PILLS BACK. On a scale of hate my doctor is on the top. He’s a nice guy and easy to talk to but he is evil and awful for taking them before I was ready. My whole team is actually bc I wasn’t ready and they still forced me to do it. Well now I am just BEYOND depressed again and not going to treatment and I really don’t see how that’s at ALL useful. 

I hate them all. I hate them, I hate them I HATE THEM. 

All I want is to punch something right now or scream or nth or to run and exercise but noooooo I can’t exercise because that would be breaking the rules and even though I am overweight- despite what they say- I am not allowed to do it. Well eff this I am so done listening to people who lie about my weight and won’t really tell me if I have gained. I’m tired of people not letting me choose anything for myself. I hate this whole stupid process and I hate my life. Why did I even go to treatment in the first place??? If God really had a plan he’d have stopped all this madness a long time ago. 

I’m done trustin people. I’m done trying. I am just relying on myself from now on. The end no one else but me. 

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Hospitalized

 I got terrified and texted my therapist from IOP. She demanded to talk to my mom and let her know what I had done as soon as I told her. 

Now I’m baker acted and waiting for the psychiatrist to come see me. Last night I spent the night in the psych ward with my room under video surveillance. Classy. 

I can’t believe I did this. I regret it whole heartedly. I shouldn’t have done it. My whole self regrets it more than anything I’ve ever done before. 

The even *more awesome* news is  that I will have to discharge from IOP if I’m still here tomorrow and on top of that If I have to go back to ED residential I’ll lose the job that’s paying for my insurance that’s covering this red hot mess of a life I’ve got. 

Lesson: maybe suicide just makes everything worse.

When you try suicide

TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, self harm, drugs, eating disorder, depression

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I’m in the midst of an overdose. My family is in the next room totally oblivious to this. It’s not peaceful at all. It’s so painful, my stomach feels like lava is boring through it, I can’t stay awake, I’m shaking so bad my muscles are cramping, my head hurts which is ironic for Someone who just took a ton of painkillers, I am SO itchy it feels like bugs are crawling all over my body, I’m hot and sweaty but ice cold at the same time. I don’t think I’ll die though bc I am 2 hours in and still awake on and off and still with it enough to breathe.

I’m sorry family, especially momma bear. I’m sorry treatment team. I’m sorry friends.

Also if anyone is considering this, DON’T it’s awful. It’s not like going to sleep it’s VERY SLOW AND AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL. You all deserve better and to live and be happy. ❤️

I’m sorry momma bear. 

Time to sleep more can’t keep my eyes open even for another second.

I love you mom.