I met my best friend the day after I moved into my dorm, on the bus to a leadership retreat about a week before our freshman year started… we’ve been best friends ever since, roommates and we are sisters at heart. If I want to do something, I tell her. If I messed up, I tell her. If I have to confess my biggest fears, I tell her. I tell her everything. Well, told her everything. Until this ED took over my life I would tell her everything, now I just mostly tell her everything, except the stuff related to the ED. We’ve been roommates for the majority of time since we’ve known each other and currently still are. (begin trigger warning)
When she asks “wanna go to dinner” I say “yeah I guess,” when she says “it’s raining lets order pizza,” I say “okay,” after a rough day “wanna grab froyo” I find a way to drive myself so I can take a different way home and purge on the side of the road.. Recently, as I restricted my calories even more, thankfully, we have been on weirdo schedules or I have been able to come up with an excuse to get me out of this debacle. I feel like a terrible person for it too, but honestly I don’t feel nearly as bad as I should, what I mostly feel is frustration that I have to actually eat and then figure out how to vomit it all without her figuring it out. (end trigger warning).
I promise I’ll work on that in recovery.
Anyway, she is my best friend. I’ve trusted her with some of my deepest secrets, but not this one. Until today.
Today, I have to tell her. My doctor wanted to tell her (or my mom, I chose my mom) but she was out of town and honestly, I didn’t want her to find out while she was with her family and from my doctor. She is my best friend, I need to tell her myself, explain it to her myself, somehow convince her to not blame herself.
Tonight is Monday and we have a not-so-guilty pleasure show to watch: The Bachelorette (lol). I mentioned to her when I saw her briefly (on Thursday night after I had gotten home from the doctor actually) that we should have Roommate Night tonight (Monday) and she instantly agreed and said she would pick up some snacks. I instantly felt queasy. I still need to get out of this because well, in the past we have shared getting snacks. (begin trigger warning) I’ve occasionally eaten some of it (which admitting makes me feel like I should kill myself and like a failure) and even though it is pretty low calorie, non-fat and overall not a bad snack for you but it’s NOT SAFE. And so every time I have it with her I go in my room and purge instantly. (end trigger warning)
So, tonight I need to convince her to not by snacks (I think I am just going to tell her I don’t want any/not in the mood for it… which is actually not a lie) and somehow figure out how to come clean. While I don’t think this will be as hard as telling my doctor (the first time is always the worst…right?), she is going to be the first family/friend that I have to tell myself in person (remember, I also told a friend who has dealt with this but doesn’t live near me).
While I know she will support me and not end our friendship, or gossip to other people, or alienate me or anything that unfortunately a lot of younger kids with this kind of issue probably have to deal with I am seriously worried about hurting her feelings. I don’t want her to think I couldn’t tell her because while it’s true it’s not for the reason that I didn’t trust her, it’s because I couldn’t admit it to myself for forever and telling her is going to be hard because maybe I’m not ready to fully own up to this yet, I don’t know. All I know is I am about to change our friendship forever. I know she’ll stand by me and support me but part of me is terrified of this, of being so accountable and honestly, of all this being so real.
The up side? At least I don’t have to pretend to like food anymore. Which is totally my ED side talking but also my real side. I don’t have to pretend I am okay, enjoying things, wanting to eat. I can be real, be me, be scared. I also know that no matter what she’ll help me through this, stick by my side, worry with me, reason with me, goof off with me, not judge me for good/bad/in between days, have TV show marathon days, obsess over London days and just keep me alive and (almost) sane days. And for that, I know I’ll feel grateful.