All packed.Β 

Taking a huge leap of faith tomorrow. I’m getting on a flight, heading to Illinois and well, going to residential treatment Monday.

I’m a bit stressed over the situation but it’ll be okay. I think. 

I’m going for the right reasons, my behavioral specialists at my current center trained with those ill be working with up north; I’ve got the inside scoop on the treatment center, I’ve been through some treatment so I kinda know what to expect and yet, I have no clue what it is really like. That scares me.

On top of that I went to the doctor on Friday, asked the treatment center if he needed to run tests and was told no, last night they called and said yes. Ugh. So now I have to go to the local ER by the center and get those done on Monday before I admit to the actual center. It’s really not a big deal just I would rather be at my doctors office when they do it. Oh well, I’m considering it an introduction into my new life in an ED residential facility 😏.

Anyway, after Monday I’ll be MIA for who knows how long. I’ll be finding myself, unplugging and getting better. So hopefully soon I’ll be back. I’ll try and post tomorrow and Monday before check in but I guess it depends on how overwhelmed I feel. 

Until then, my bags are packed, I’m all checked in to my flight (with an upgraded seat because, well, something should be extra comfy), I said goodbye to my niece and nephew who think I am on “vacation”, and to a few others who know about my ED and tomorrow my sister and mom will take me to the airport and drop me off. 

I’m not thinking about that part. 

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my current treatment center. The hardest was to the 3 teens who are like little sisters to me. One was being discharged for good-for which I was psyched- the other 2 will go back on Monday except we won’t get to catch up and bond we will instead be separated by half the country. It sucks. They cried, I held it together until I left and cried the whole way home. They are so sweet, they don’t deserve this disease, they are fighters though and they will conquer this, they inspire me. So T, S and B if you ever read this I hope you are well, that you stayed on recovery’s sometimes bumpy path and I hope you know I cannot thank you enough for being the brightest part of my day in treatment. 

And J, my friend in the adult program, got moved to IOP but she was really my guardian angel in PHP. I have no clue how I would’ve survived without her or have been strong enough to accept my fate and come to terms with going to residential. J I can’t wait to get back bc we are so going to catch up at the cafe our EDs have kept us from ☺️☺️

But to do all that I have to go, my behavioral specialists say the center is stellar and like a family,so while B, S, T and J and our behavioral specialists S and M and dietitian C are all back here, I’ll be thinking of them and working hard to get home to them. I am going to make the most of it though, I actually do like unplugging for a while and I have wanted to live up north for a while so this is sorta like a trial run, sorta. 

Until then, I am excited to see my aunt and uncle tomorrow and have a mini sleepover with my mom and sister tonight before they take me to the  airport 

Surprise Family Reunion….

Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders. I mention some safe/unsafe foods for me specifically, if you are easily triggered please use discretion.

Ugh. so on Friday night my mom sprung on me that my aunt and uncle are in town (the ones that actually know about the ED). They are about an hour and a half away staying with my uncle’s family but wanted to get together and see us. Now, normally this would be an inner struggle for me but since everyone knows I told my mom that meeting “for lunch or something” is making me wayyy nervous and stressed out- which she kinda figured. I do want to see my aunt and uncle though and luckily meeting at my house as opposed to my mom’s is more convenient for all so that’s what we are doing today.

But here’s all my issues with it:

  • It’s going to be through the time I normally eat first (1:30) so I am not sure what to do.
  • There will be people here when I normally eat.
  • People will be eating very VERY unsafe food (I can’t blame them that I only have 1 safe food)
  • I have to order said unsafe food (granted, I volunteered because I know where it is but still it makes me anxious).
  • I am going to have to talk about my ED.

Here’s the good things:

  • I get to see my aunt and uncle (MEGA YAY!)
  • It’s at my house and not a restaurant which is less anxiety filled for me.

Here’s what I am conflicted about:

  • I don’t want to make my normal food because it’ll be awkward to be eating something different
  • I am panicking over eating around other people.
  • I bought strawberries and grapes (2 unsafe foods that used to be safe(ish)) for my family to also snack on and if I try to eat those instead of my safe food I know they will be watching and judging and it is too much for me but that would be easier and more discreet than making my safe food.
  • The food they are having is super delicious lol but so unsafe it makes me uncomfortable to even smell it.

So, yeah. There’s that to look forward to. I was so stressed last night I took a sleeping pill because I was making myself sick over this. I have no idea where this girl came from, I never used to be like this but it’s like so much worse these days and even going to the grocery store to pick up drinks and salad was difficult for me because I didn’t want to touch the foods and because there were so many people there watching.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Why can’t I just be normal?!?!?!

Why Do They HAVE to Trigger Me?!?!?!?!??

So I went home for the FIRST time since telling my doctor, who then told my mom. It’s taken me 2 days to work up this courage because my mom’s house is SO triggering ( I haven’t confessed that to them yet) because it always has food in it and someone is always eating. But I came home, spent the day with my mom and got a nice mani/ pedi-which was very needed after I picked all the gel polish off most of my hands leading up to and during my appt with the doctor Thursday. Then we came home and I went to my sister’s room to nap and then I woke up to my other sister making dinner. What is she making you might wonder… MY FAVORITE PRE-ED FOOD!! 😱😰😱😨😱😰

WTF?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!? 

I just honestly want to run out of here but I am frozen with fear. I don’t want to go near the food! Smelling it is soooo hard bc I just want some and ED is literally going berserk in my head screaming at me that they are trying to trick me, prove I don’t really have an ED, trying to make me fat, trying to throw it in my face that I can’t get myself to do this.

I just don’t understand why of all the meals on all the days they just HAD to have this one. It doesn’t seem coincidental, maybe I am really just over reading the situation but I just feel really offended and like all the support they showed earlier was just a lie and I honestly never want to come home again right now. I feel so alone. 

I bought extra food earlier when I had lunch so I could have my safe food for dinner (my mom even took me to two different stores bc neither sells both of the things I eat, and went the opposite direction) and now I don’t even want to eat. I hate this. I feel so made fun of and like they are being so inconsiderate. I just really don’t understand and my ED brain was loud all day bc I was hungry after my “run” (6 miles was all I managed) and even though I couldn’t bring myself to overcome it I was trying and now I feel like it is so much louder and evil and like I am trying all for nothing because then my sister turns around and does this.

I can reason that they might of thought it would let me feel easier to eat bc it is something I once liked but ITS ALL TOTALLY UNSAFE AND SO FAR FROM SAFE THAT I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN I MAY NEVER RECOVER ENOUGH TO EAT IT. That’s how bad it is. And to top it off it is something that once set off my stomach issues so it’s not only typical ED scary it’s also health issue scary to me. And I know part of me is just mad at myself bc I can’t overcome my ED to even have a spoonful of it but it just frustrates me THAT much more bc it is something I used to like.

I seriously just don’t understand. I am silently sobbing in my sisters room after telling them I was still sleepy but really I just have no clue what to do right now.

I wish I hadn’t told anyone. At least then I could’ve had a spoonful and then thrown it back up/spit it out but I know now they’d be watching and my ED would just have a fit so bad it may kill me.