I have mixed feelings about recovery and treatment right now. I know I’ve been MIA the last week (sorry!!) but adjusting to being open and honest about my eating disorder is almost as difficult as hiding it.
2 things I would love advice on:
- If anyone knows/has experience with CBT focused on ERP (Exposure Response Prevention) treatment, please tell me I am on the fence as to if it is going to help (I don’t have any co-existing disorders). Do you find group therapy and more talk therapy helpful? Or no? Idk.
- I hate hate hate hate my psychiatrist.
Here’s my life since beginning treatment in a (quickish) recap:
Trigger Warning: calorie and food specifics. (I don’t want to trigger anyone but part of it is needed to make sense, and the other reason I am doing this blog is to remember it for myself so I want to be able to look at how far I have come. Please do not continue if you are easily triggered or pro-eating disorder.
- I started Partial Hospitalization (PHP) on 9/3, two days after my birthday.
- My program runs 8 hours a day. 8 *jaw drop*
- I have cried every. single. day.
- Day 1 I actually ate less than I typically eat in a day and they are now letting me bring my safe foods to make sure I am eating enough while they reintroduce food.
- They think they want to send me to residential
- I only had 1 safe food going into treatment, and ate 200-300 calories per day.
- PHP requires we be at 1000 minimum *jaw drop* and they are trying to get me there ASAP
- My therapy is CBT with Exposure Response Prevention being a BIG component of it I am still now sure how I feel about it, any advice is greatly appreciated.
- I DESPISE my psychiatrist. I told my therapist and I am praying they let me see a different psychiatrist because this one is evil, mean and honestly I would trust a murderer before I trust him. Some perspective on this: I’ve only ever said I flat out dislike 4 people in my ENTIRE life. He is #4 so it’s not just me clouding my judgment.
- I LOVE my dietitian!!! She has been so STELLAR about getting me adjusted to more than one food and up to the right number of calories and really doesn’t judge anything.
- I wish there was more group therapy. If I go to residential I will need to find somewhere with more of this because I am a very, VERY social person and I feel like I am able to come to terms with my situation when I can talk it out with others.
- I have had 2 EKGs and so many vials of blood drawn in the last week but the new medical doctor they make us go to was super nice and very trusting. I was petrified to go but I really liked him and in 20 minutes of talking to him I told him more about my ED than I revealed to my psychiatrist in 2+ hours.
- Did I mention I have cried EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. !?
- I have a family session tomorrow. Eek! My family is amazing but I am very unaccustomed to being vulnerable and sharing my feelings with them. I don’t like it.
- I have lied about how much I purge and restrict out of fear of going to residential.
- I am not sure what to do because part of me is realizing I need residential (one of the other ED patients even said she thought I needed it)
- Part of me has no desire to get better even now that I am in treatment.
- Part of me really wants to get better, especially now that I am in treatment.
But, things got better than they were day 1; however, I am still not sure about everything. Is it weird that I am more motivated to recover when I am there and not so motivated at home?!
I’ll be sure to write more now that I am semi-acclimated. Plus, I definitely will need to after my family session.