Feeling my muscles dying

I have said this for weeks, it’s how I have known it’s really bad but now it’s official, after my initial diagnosis blood work my doctor wanted to redraw 10 days later so I Got another set of labs done yesterday, today my nurse practitioner (who is so amazing) called and said my potassium is….Worse! So now, it’s bad enough to need a supplement prescription. 😔 I feel like such a failure. 

Plus she called earlier after the first set of labs and said to start taking a multivitamin. I’ve been taking a gummy multivitamin bc the pill ones are so strong and I’m so malnourished that they make me sick so she said gummy ones are best for now, so that was supposed to help the potassium levels, but nope which logically I know means I am sick but I’m still struggling to “believe”. And what really sucks is now I have to take Rx potassium AND the gummy multivitamin. 

I hate the gummy bc (a) it’s gross. (B) there are 15 calories in the daily dose (2 gummies) so I have to cut that 15 out of my diet elsewhere. I know, I am in recovery but technically I am not. I am in limbo and without being able to get myself to overcome the ED voices (which I keep painstakingly trying and failing at) I don’t know how to get more calories bc it doesn’t seem acceptable, okay, painless, healthy or anything good at all. I know that’s the disease too but I just don’t know how to stop or lessen it and the guilt after is seriously verging on the point of wanting to die. 

So yeah, back to the dr next week for more labs. Glamorous. 

MEDICALLY CLEARED for Treatment!!!

This GIF pretty much sums up my feelings: a touch of relief/excitement mixed with sheer horror. One hurdle down and closer to getting into a program. My doctor (or rather, Nurse Practitioner since that is who I see) is the bomb dot com and called me back and said although my labs are consistent with being malnourished and she is concerned that they are still stable and she can clear me! I am both terrified and relieved.

I am going in tomorrow afternoon for another set of follow-up labs to check my potassium and other levels (because they are pretty out of whack) and I can get the letter and paperwork I need too. It’s all getting so real again whereas the last 10 days have had me living in a neutral state where I have been allowed to exist with my ED. Not that I mean anyone supports the ED, but where they are just trying to be supportive toward me while I get everything sorted out and they’ve been trying to encourage me to eat more but haven’t given much push back when I struggle or give into my ED brain. But now, now that I can get medically cleared it’s one step further. Now, I am going to have to talk to the treatment center again, have the case re-reviewed by the medical board, hopefully get this cleared by insurance (that’s my next major hurdle that I am freaking over) and then beginning treatment. But tomorrow, tomorrow is the next step and it feels horrifying, scary and slightly relieving at the same time.

Eating Out…

(Trigger warning: eating disorder; specific mentioning of foods)

Freaking Out!!! I am at Panera with my mom and sister. I am so nauseous today and don’t want to eat (moreso than my normal desire to not eat) but really can’t stomach the thought of cauliflower which is my only food normally. My mom said to get soup. I can reason chicken broth and I love Panera but I am so scared of the noodles and chicken being in the soup and I am so so so so so scared. I HATE eating out but Panera soup is only 80 calories so it’s a little better but still I am anxious over the bad parts. My mom said she’d ask for it to be mostly broth (thankfully) so we will see. Plus it is REALLY REALLY BUSY. Lots of people and that makes everything worse but I’m glad we got a table near the back where there’s less people. 

I’m waiting at the table while my mom and sister order. I can do this. I think. Ugh the anxiety is NOT helping my nausea and everything smells delicious. I used to study here daily and now I am on the verge of panic attack. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I am scared of frickin soup. 

Oh well, I am just going to make this as big of a #recoverywin as possible considering I wouldn’t have dared come unless my mom and sister convinced me and they only did that knowing about my ED so they were super supportive.

Post-meal update: I survived. I only drank the chicken broth but still I haven’t had anything other than my one safe food in months and I didn’t cry or freak out. Still, I wish I could enjoy the food and being at a restaurant. 

Defeat

Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders and Disordered Eating

I can’t run like I used to. I’m not strong enough. My head starts pounding my body shaking like when you have the flu and your whole self feels like jello. My legs begin to buckle after just a few miles. I know it’s because I eat less than 200-300 calories right now. I can’t even talk myself into 500 like I used to on distance days. I know it’s because there is 0 carbs in those calories but I can’t I physically can’t grab the food I need. I know this happens when you drop almost 30 pounds in less than 2 months but still.
I just want to run my list of reasons to get help were:

1. So I can run better again 

2. To not die.

In that order. Running is so much to me and helps me so much in other ways and I am losing it. The marathons are approaching and I am losing grasp of them day by day. 

I wish someone understood someone could make me do this, force feed me, anything. I wish I could call my mom but idk, I’ve been so burdensome lately since she found ou that I don’t want to stress her out more (& I’m scared to be lectured). I just don’t know what to do so I am sitting on a bench on the side of the trail, crying. And watching other runners, too weak to get up and run home, too dizzy to get up and walk. 

I hate myself for this. 

 Ps. Please ignore how fat I look here, I had my hydration belt on and all my trail gear with me. 

2 hours…

2 hours. 120 minutes. Then life as I know it is over.

I haven’t eaten at all and I’ve thrown up 4 times because I am so sick over the prospect of what I am about to do. 

I know why I am doing this but I still keep wondering why I am doing this.

I wish I knew what to say, how to say it, what will happen but I don’t. I have a plan but I am shaking so hard thinking about this and idk how well I’ll follow it. 

It’s odd because I am watching everyone go about their lives. This horrifyingly annoying girl behind me is using a whiny voice to complain to her friend about her manicure and not knowing what color to get. I’m sitting here trying to convince myself to live and fight for my life back.

I shouldn’t be mad at her, I complain about manicures and what color to pick too-I’m so indecisive- but still everything just feels so absurd to me today. 

Getting less than an hour of sleep probably didn’t help but I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep and all I want is to go to bed, sleep through this appointment and magically be better. Since that’s not possible I just need to suck it up but that’s really hard right now especially when the idea of telling the doctor doesn’t just seem impossible it seems unfathomable and unsafe and literally sickens me.  

But I have to do this. In two hours I have to do this. Hopefully I can do this. 

What Was I Thinking!?!?!

I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t tell the doctor. I can’t go that appointment. I can’t do it.

This is stupid. Why should I trust them now?!?!? Why? All the doctors ever did was tell me to “figure it out” and use “trial and error” and that led here so clearly it’s okay to be doing this.

My family is delusional, I don’t like gaunt and “anorexic” I looked in the mirror, I look overweight. Grossly overweight.

I should cancel. The doctor won’t do anything anyway. I should cancel, I’ll look so stupid (on top of fat) if I go to them about my “eating issues”. Who goes for that?!? Lots of people diet and don’t eat certain foods.

This has to be normal. It just HAS to be.

I wish there was someone who could help..