Admissions and Deferrals

10b40aca81f526f1a0945e315101192aThe call came on Friday afternoon, there treatment facility is recommending their highest level of care: Partial Hospitalization. I am both thankful and horrified. I know I need to get better but since when did I get sick enough to barely get medically cleared enough for the most intensive outpatient program available to ED patients?

The obstacles now: figuring out my work situation (I work full time) and get everything sorted out with FMLA and time off and money and insurance and admission dates, oh and the most challenging obstacle: figuring out some kind of plausible lie so that my whole (very gossipy) office doesn’t get into my business. That last one is by far the most challenging. But, I have to do what is best for me no matter what.

My ED has been just positively TERRIBLE the last few days since I heard from the treatment center and it doesn’t help that my body is almost screaming for food (it’s in one of its cycles where after I have been restricting for so long that my body starts to tear me down mentally to try and get food) but I can’t give in because my ED is just so much stronger than normal. I think it has something to do with knowing it is about to have to eat that makes my ED stronger, just trying to prove that I need to retreat from this “recovery” and run to save myself and it is taking every ounce of my being to keep going and keep seeking out treatment as the admission process progresses.

With this also came the very real realization: I am going to have to forfeit my marathons- Chicago and Marine Corps. I am so depressed I don’t even want to get out of bed when I think about it, I just want to sleep forever. I know for non-runners it’s impossible to understand why someone would want to run or run 26.2 miles for fun but for me it’s a huge part of my life and I feel broken and dead knowing I will have to defer those in the next few days. That’s all I want to say about that right now; maybe later I’ll post more about the process, training, what I look forward to about next year but right now I just don’t feel anything other than grief and numbness.

Maybe I should talk to my doctor, maybe the lows have something to do with the meds I am on but this blow of losing my marathons just feels like the last bit of me has been killed by the ED and honestly, I am starting to feel too tired to fight it anymore even though I am closer than ever to treatment.

So that’s where I am at. I’ve been quiet on here lately just because everything has kind of been in a standstill until I found out from the center and because I just haven’t wanted to deal with people in person or online as I processed this marathon thing, still just feeling numb and isolated but I’m trying to make the effort. My doctor is checking in weekly so I think she is set to call tomorrow or Tuesday but since i need some paperwork for her to fill out for treatment and my marathons I have to call tomorrow either way. I am going to go to HR first thing too about my benefits and time off for treatment and then call the Center. I guess I also have to deal with Chicago and Marine Corps Marathon organizers, idk.

Running Thoughts

The click of the lock, that’s where it begins. The rest of the world is slightly deafened by my headphones as I walk down the three flights of stairs fidgeting with my app and figuring out what playlist I am … Continue reading

Thoughts Running Wild

Well, the good news is I AM OUT OF THE CAST!!!!!

The bad news, I need surgery to remove my sesamoid bone but the podiatrist said if I can handle the pain we can wait for some of my marathons to be over.

The worse news, my eating disorder is stealing running from me.

(Trigger Warning)

I went for my first run today post-cast. It sucked. I did 2 miles total and needed to stop and felt as if I was dying during it. Logically, I get it. I ate 155 calories today before I ran, none of it had carbs in it, none of it had protein, none of it had fat. I had steamed cauliflower, 3 baby carrots, 2 sugar free mints. I know that is not conducive to life much less running but I can’t stop it, I only ate the baby carrots because I knew I was in rough shape going into the run but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t eat the carbs. Hell, I don’t even have carbs in the house.

I’m so weak. I’ve not consumed over 250 calories a day for over a week now. It’s killing me. The chest pain comes and goes, the black outs when I stand up too quick, the mental struggle, all of it is just killing me. I feel like my running is the only thing I have keeping me trying to eat and now, now I am losing the very thing I cherish and love.

Maybe needing surgery will be a blessing. Doc says no running for at least 6-8 weeks and he would prefer 10-12. I still want to do my marathons though. I am set on Chicago and Marine Corps because both have special meaning to me but now after today’s run I feel like ED is going to stand in my way more than my need for surgery. I’m torn. I know that is hard for anyone to understand who hasn’t been through this but I am torn between something i love and something i am obligated to.

The easy answer: “just eat”. Please don’t say that, it’s not that simple. If I could “just eat” trust me I would. I promised myself, after I realized my fears had warped into this, that i would never be one of those girls who let themselves suffer for years and that I wouldn’t let this thing destroy my relationships and life but yet, here I am dodging my friends, losing my ability to do the things I love, secluding myself, living a secret, living a lie, slowly killing myself each day, week, month and year.

Yesterday before I saw the podiatrist I got blood work done for my autoimmune condition which means I will be getting a call from my primary doctor in a few days to discuss the results. I secretly hope they’ll somehow figure out I’m sick based on the blood work but I know that they didn’t do the blood tests necessary to discover the horrors I’ve put my body through. I know I could also just say I need help on the phone and they’d make an appointment ASAP, but I also know, in my heart, I’m not ready for that yet.

Although, I keep thinking July 2 is a good date to maybe try to get help. It’s the day before I have off work for the holiday which means if I do tell, I can at least have the day off the next day to collect my thoughts and not have to face my co-workers and pretend like everything is still okay when I know in my mind it’ll feel like the world is crashing down around me- assuming they believe me. It’s also early enough that I could help and have folks help me through training, I hope. But then again, what if they steal marathons from me? That’s my biggest fear, honestly, that tops dying (again, I know it makes no sense unless you’ve handled this disease). So maybe July 2. Maybe.

Until then, I have to make it through one of my best friends’ wedding, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner and bridesmaid luncheon, a day of shadowing and somehow figure out how to not have a panic attack because of all the unsafe food, stress making it look like I ate, purging all the unsafe food that I may eat and people around. And I somehow need to figure out how to acclimate my body to running in this state again.

Because above all else, I can’t lose running. It’s been there for me longer than my ED has. It keeps me moving forward (in more ways than one). I can’t lose it. It’s the only piece left of me that I still control. It’s all I have left.

#MCM and #RunWithTheMarines

Signs You’re a Runner: For a while now I’ve been wondering why everyone is always posting pictures with #mcm. I know about Man Crush Monday but I guess it never occurred to me that, THAT acronym didn’t mean Marine Corps Marathon….until today.

This realization only came out because I’ve been stuck in MCM (Marine Corps Marathon) mode for months now, waiting for the lottery to open, entering the lottery and waiting 10 longgg days to get a result on the lottery. And today, was lottery result day!!!

It was like trying to get a 5 year old to wait to open presents on Christmas morning. As SOON as my alarm (the first one) went off I reached over to my phone to check my email- something I NEVER do. I hate email. I think it’s overrated, overused and a nuisance.  But, I broke my rule of refusing to check my email first thing in the morning because, well, it was like Christmas for those of us waiting to hear about the Marathon. Now, there was no guarantee I would hear at 5:17am but I had heard from others that emails start in the middle of the night and continue all day. After a very poor attempt at typing my email address in on my phone and falling asleep at least 2 times, the page loaded with one unread message….I got in to the Marine Corps Marathon!!!!!

My email came at 1:46am!!  I am surprised my neighbors didn’t think I was being murdered I screamed so loud! THE Marine Corps Marathon! The 40th anniversary, I will be there! YES! I’ve never been to DC either so I am looking forward to finally getting to go to DC, better weather, running and an awesome extended weekend vacation! Plus, I come from a family of military folks (from all branches) so I think this race will be a great way to honor them.

MCM I'm In

As I jumped on IG to post a photo and hashtag everything known to man I typed in #mcm and THAT’S when I realized: #MCM = Man Crush Monday (to normal people) not Marine Corps Marathon!! It was like not just the light bulb but the whole dang chandelier went off! So, I tagged with the other MCM tag: #RunWithTheMarines because, well, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing in October!!! And as I waited for a plethora of likes on FB and little hearts on IG I realized, no one is awake at 5:17am sharing stuff on social media, except those of us waiting for the MCM results.

I have had some time today to let the excitement calm a bit (but not by much because I am so unbelieveably excited) and as I went to type this I saw my last (not so happy) post. See, the thing is despite how excited I am about this one of the first things I thought after I screamed with happiness was “oh shit, I’m going to have to eat.” AND because my friends are coming to DC with me, I know I will have to eat, in front of people and it won’t be easy to hide if I don’t like it was in Chicago last year. This is especially hard because I have felt like I am failing at having an ED this week. See, failing at having an ED means I am not doing good enough at restricting and purging- that’s what failing is to me and to any “normal” non-ED person this would be success but for me, it’s failure. Sheer,  utter, failure. On top of that my GI issues are flared up this week because what I have eaten is stuff that is bad for whatever issues my stomach has and everything from the disoriented feeling, joint pain, muscle pain and  severe nausea is back so I feel like I am failing even more.

But, I am doing what I set out to do, run toward recovery. So, I am sitting here, writing this to mostly myself and telling myself that my goal is to have a celebratory meal with my friends after the marathon. Maybe not a big meal, maybe without dessert, maybe it’ll be the same safe foods I have now, but 1 celebratory meal. No purging (and thinking about this is already making me anxious). 1 meal.

I know seeking help would probably help dramatically in being able to reach this goal but right now I still can’t. I’ve been sucked back in and the disorder eating and the voice in my head keeping me in this mode have a death grip on me. It’s like bungee jumping, I jumped toward the stability and safety of the ground (aka recovery) but, just as I almost made it there I flung back up- up toward the ED- where I started, now every time I go drop down again it seems like I am getting a bit closer to the safety of recovery and a bit farther from the ED but I am still on the bungee cord and oscillating between bounces hoping the ED doesn’t pull me back up to where I started before the bouncing ceases and I can get off and settle on solid ground. Safe, solid ground.

But, back to the marathon: Words cannot express how thrilled I am, this was the IT marathon for me this year, the one I wanted to run more than any of the others and I am astonished that I was lucky enough to get in my first year entering the lottery! I cannot wait to run, I am excited to train again and post runfies on IG with the #RunWithTheMarines (and maybe #MCM too).

Countdown: T- 7 months (exactly!) 10-25-15 will be here soon!