Confiscated

My doctor took ALL the pills I had stockpiled and didn’t use during my suicide attempt.

All of them.

And then he destroyed him.

I hate my whole team right now. 

I don’t want to recover I want my damn pills back so that I have an out in case I need it. I had hundreds of pills saved up sinc I was in late high school and college. From every surgery and injury bc, well, my pain threshold is high and I didn’t need them for that purpose. 

And now they’re gone. 

And I can’t have them back.

And I’m so pissed. 

I have no clue how I am going to go to work tomorrow. I feel like I need to go to therapy. Ironic since instead of going inside at this very moment I’m in my car typing this. 

But I can’t go in. I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT EVERYONE ELSES ISSUES. I have enough on my mind without all their Bologna. I don’t need to hear about their problem with their job or their family or their day. I want to not hear about how awful everyone’s lives are because right now ALL I WANT IS TO END MINE. And that will NOT be helpful. 

I texted my IOP therapist (one of them) that is running group and said I’m not coming. She promptly replied with “yes u r” to which I have yet to respond and clearly, yet to abide by. 

Part of me is wondering if they’ll even care if I don’t show up. I’m a lost cause. I’m a burden and a mess. I’m complicated and hard to handle with therapy because I don’t trust anyone fully with my feelings including my conscious self. 

Anyway. I’m tired. I hate me. I WANT MY PILLS BACK. On a scale of hate my doctor is on the top. He’s a nice guy and easy to talk to but he is evil and awful for taking them before I was ready. My whole team is actually bc I wasn’t ready and they still forced me to do it. Well now I am just BEYOND depressed again and not going to treatment and I really don’t see how that’s at ALL useful. 

I hate them all. I hate them, I hate them I HATE THEM. 

All I want is to punch something right now or scream or nth or to run and exercise but noooooo I can’t exercise because that would be breaking the rules and even though I am overweight- despite what they say- I am not allowed to do it. Well eff this I am so done listening to people who lie about my weight and won’t really tell me if I have gained. I’m tired of people not letting me choose anything for myself. I hate this whole stupid process and I hate my life. Why did I even go to treatment in the first place??? If God really had a plan he’d have stopped all this madness a long time ago. 

I’m done trustin people. I’m done trying. I am just relying on myself from now on. The end no one else but me. 

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Feeling my muscles dying

I have said this for weeks, it’s how I have known it’s really bad but now it’s official, after my initial diagnosis blood work my doctor wanted to redraw 10 days later so I Got another set of labs done yesterday, today my nurse practitioner (who is so amazing) called and said my potassium is….Worse! So now, it’s bad enough to need a supplement prescription. 😔 I feel like such a failure. 

Plus she called earlier after the first set of labs and said to start taking a multivitamin. I’ve been taking a gummy multivitamin bc the pill ones are so strong and I’m so malnourished that they make me sick so she said gummy ones are best for now, so that was supposed to help the potassium levels, but nope which logically I know means I am sick but I’m still struggling to “believe”. And what really sucks is now I have to take Rx potassium AND the gummy multivitamin. 

I hate the gummy bc (a) it’s gross. (B) there are 15 calories in the daily dose (2 gummies) so I have to cut that 15 out of my diet elsewhere. I know, I am in recovery but technically I am not. I am in limbo and without being able to get myself to overcome the ED voices (which I keep painstakingly trying and failing at) I don’t know how to get more calories bc it doesn’t seem acceptable, okay, painless, healthy or anything good at all. I know that’s the disease too but I just don’t know how to stop or lessen it and the guilt after is seriously verging on the point of wanting to die. 

So yeah, back to the dr next week for more labs. Glamorous.